Being a hugely successful author I often get asked my mere mortals like you for advice on how to write. Here are my top tips.

 

1. Get to know your characters. Arrange a day out, perhaps to a theme park or beach and invite your characters along. I took mine paint-balling! Be warned however, that you should never touch your characters. Unwanted touching can be classed as assault and could result in a costly civil action.

 

2. When promoting your work, never, never name-drop. It's vulgar and uncool. Kurt Cobain told me that.

 

3. Polish, polish and polish again! Most writers know that polishing their manuscript is a vital element of writing. But many do not know where to start. I recommend a mixture of Brasso and vinegar applied with even strokes using a simple washing-up sponge. If you cannot get Brasso, turps is also quite effective, although flammable.

 

4. The most common reason for agents and publishers to reject manuscripts is that they are completely shit. So as far as possible, you should try to make your novel not completely shit.

 

5. Peasants like you often ask me how to get an agent. Well, it's all about research. Find out what other authors they represent and whether they're actively looking for new clients. Then find out where they live and what wine bars and restaurants they frequent. Once you know this, you can engineer a 'chance' meeting and dazzle them with your wit and unconventional good looks. This should lead to a dinner date, and then in due course a long-lasting and loving relationship based on mutual respect. Once marriage (or a civil union depending on your respective genders) has been achieved, casually ask the agent if they'd mind awfully reading your manuscript.

 

Good luck!